Inner Peace over Inner Turmoil

The past few weeks have been somewhat of a roller coaster for me. I had an amazing trip to Arkansas with my family, got to speak at a retreat and built some great friendships while we were there, spoke at a retreat in Texas the weekend after that for the youth group that I first spoke to after forming LIFe Ministries, almost completely depleted funds in the ministry account, and began working on our 2009 support letter as well as trying to line up future speaking engagements.

As I've gone through all of this, I've begun experiencing inner turmoil. Honestly, I haven't handled it very well. Yesterday was the culmination of this struggle in my soul as I spent most of the day with my family. Unfortunately, they received the brunt of my flesh.

Last night, during our High School Ephesians Bible Study, Dani asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks. We were talking about Ephesians 2:11-16 and, at this point in the evening, I was talking about verse 14, and the reality that Jesus Himself is our peace.

As I was explaining how Jesus has united Himself in our spirit, giving us life and inner peace, He also makes it so that we don't have to have inner turmoil. We don't have to pray that God will bring others peace in a situation, He IS our peace in every situation. We don't need Him to give us peace, it's WHO He is in us already.

This is where Dani stopped me. She asked, "Can you explain why it is that we still struggle and don't always feel this inner peace?"

It was as if God was using Dani's voice to speak directly into my soul. I could talk all day about these verses, but they were removed from my present context. It was just a bunch of information. Until she asked me this question, I hadn't really allowed these verses to resonate with my soul.

As I thought about how to answer her question, I couldn't help but face the reality that these past few weeks have been spent in much inner turmoil, and not so much inner peace.

So, what's my issue? Why am I not experiencing His peace, or better put, why am I not experiencing Him (since He is our peace) in my daily life?

I was "turning back to the yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1). The perceived uncertainty of the future, lack of contentment with the present, and my willingness to give in to my flesh all created an atmosphere of slavery in me. Slavery to what? Slavery to my flesh. Even as I was walking around sulking, anxious, angry, and selfish, I knew that I didn't have to live this way. However, I continued to allow my emotions and perception of my circumstances control me.

God in His grace and sovereignty allowed me to wallow in this for a while. Why, you might ask? Because I needed to go through this in order to be reminded, once again, that I cannot live this life apart from Him, in my own strength.

I recently begain reading a book by Brennan Manning called "Ruthless Trust." I think the Lord led me to this book at this time because I needed to hear what Brennan mentions in the first chapter and the theme which he continues throughout the book. At the very beginning, he writes:

This book started writing itself with a remark from my spiritual mentor "Brennan, you don't need any more insights into the faith" he observed. "You've got enough insights to last you three hundred years. The most urgent need in your life is to trust what you have received."

As I read those words, I was reminded of what my mentor, Bill Loveless always tells me each time I call him anxious over our financial situation or anything else going on in our lives.

Matt, you know the real question in this situation, don't you? The real question is not whether or not God is going to take care of you, but rather where is your breaking point? Where is the line you will draw from trusting God to doing it on your own?

As I've been contemplating these truths, I have come to realize that my turmoil isn't as much over my circumstances as it is with my lack of trust in Jesus. In Him, I have peace and can trust Him as my life. When I'm experiencing anything other than rest, peace, love, joy, patience, fulfillment, contentment, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, and abundance, I can know that those are the times I have stopped trusting Him and have started relying on myself.

Where are you on this spectrum? Are you experiencing His peace or are you wrestling in your soul?

My prayer for today is that I will come to Him and find rest for my soul (Matthew 11:27-30) because He really is so much better than anything else I could ever desire (Philippians 3:7-12), and as I rest in Him, I will learn the reality and secret of contentment (Philippians 4:11-13); which is living dependently on Him in each moment, fully trusting Him to be all I need.